Finding Herself Read online

  She felt so turned on that it seemed entirely possible she could come without being touched at all. Her clit was throbbing, so much that Suzy had to slip one of her hands down between her legs and into the heated dampness, rubbing hard enough to make herself buck up against her fingers and moan around Daniel’s cock. The vibration of her throat made him gasp, his fingertips tightening where they were wound loosely into her hair, resting against her scalp. The pull of it was a tiny extra layer of perfect, unbearably good sensation assaulting Suzy’s already overloaded nerves. Every suck, every lick she made against his penis just heightened her own arousal. She was drooling down her chin, the condom slippery with it in her mouth, and the moans kept spilling out of her unbidden.

  She held his thighs steady with one of her forearms, her other hand playing with his balls and moving back to stroke the skin just behind. Daniel was gripping the edge of the bedspread, white-knuckled, so she pulled back and let his cock slip from her lips, looking up into his dilated eyes.

  Daniel slipped his hands under her arms and lifted her, flipping her up onto the bed and straddling her in one smooth motion. Before she could even reorientate herself to her new position, her body arched and everything jolted for a moment at the sensation of two manicured fingers fucking into her. The crook of his knuckles brushed his fingertips against her G-spot, and Suzy had to bite her lip so hard to keep from screaming that it seemed a surprise she didn’t taste blood.

  When Daniel withdrew his fingers she whimpered and clutched at him, aching at the loss of sensation, but he shushed her gently and repositioned himself on top of her body, driving forward with graceful ease, entering her languidly.

  Her toes curled, every part of her spasming as she tried to cope with the slow, indolent pace of his pleasure. Suzy had never had anything like the range of sensations she’d felt with Daniel, the rollercoaster of desire that took her everywhere from the frenzy of rutting against a wall on a deserted street to this terrifyingly intense, drawn-out lovemaking, all in the space of a single evening.

  It frightened her. It frightened her, and it felt so, so good.

  It was an eternity before they stopped, but eventually exhaustion won out over sensation and they settled down to sleep. Daniel’s fingertips traced light, soothing patterns over the still-heated skin of her belly. It felt to Suzy like their idle touch, the brush of his fingerprints, was a faint echo of the happy, nervous fluttering of butterflies in her stomach. She hadn’t felt like this since she was a kid in high school, falling into hopeless puppy-love crushes on the moody boys who did drama and photography.

  ‘Do you mind if I smoke?’ Daniel asked her. Suzy blinked in surprise. She’d never have expected it of him, not when everything else about him was so neat and clean and sensible, and yet at the same time it fitted perfectly. So much of his allure came from the way that he seemed to come from some older, out-of-production model of masculinity, a design dating back to some earlier era. Of course a man like that would have a cigarette from time to time.

  ‘That’s fine,’ she assured him, only to be surprised for a second time when, instead of a cigarette case, Daniel pulled out a small pouch of tobacco and a pipe. Suzy laughed delightedly, which earned her a puzzled look.

  ‘I’m sorry, I’m not laughing at you, I promise. It’s just so perfect. Of course you smoke a pipe. I don’t know why I ever expected anything else,’ said Suzy when she regained use of her voice. ‘I bet you shine your shoes once a week as well, don’t you?’

  Daniel looked abashed and entertained, all at once. ‘It’s possible,’ he admitted, which set Suzy off on another peal of laughter. He stuffed the pipe with tobacco and lit it while she recovered.

  The smell was comforting and weirdly familiar, even though Suzy had no memory of ever smelling a pipe being smoked before. As if Daniel was already home to her, even before she knew what “home” entailed.

  ‘May I try it?’ she asked. He nodded, handing the pipe over. Suzy took a tentative drag on it, but the whole thing was so wonderful and silly and unexpected that she started laughing again and set herself off coughing.

  Daniel took the pipe back from her before she could spill the burning tobacco on the bed and cause a hot-ash disaster. He was smiling broadly. ‘And to think, it’s only tobacco in there,’ he teased. ‘If I’d known it was this easy to make you smile so much, I’d’ve showed off my wicked little habit earlier.’

  ‘You’re perfect, perfect,’ she told him, still grinning, kissing the smoky taste out of his mouth. He hummed happily, putting the pipe down on its ashtray on his bedside table and cupping her bare breast with his palm, teasing the nipple with the pad of his thumb. Suzy nipped lightly at his lower lip with her teeth and settled down against his chest.

  ‘If I wasn’t so exhausted, I’d suggest another round,’ she said. ‘But –’ her words were broken by a sudden yawn ‘– in the morning, maybe.’

  ‘Mm,’ Daniel agreed, stroking her shoulder. Then, after a beat, he added, ‘I’m so sorry I forgot about a condom, when we –’

  ‘Against the wall?’ Suzy supplied, when it became obvious that Daniel couldn’t think of a polite way to describe their spur-of-the-moment coupling earlier in the evening.

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘It’s all right. I have a contraceptive implant,’ she told him, pointing to the little raised matchstick shape in her upper arm. ‘I got it because my cycle’s always been a mess. It regulates it. Two years’ worth of birth control, right here.’

  ‘Nevertheless,’ Daniel said, shaking his head. ‘It was extremely inconsiderate of me. I promise it won’t happen again.’

  Suzy did her best not to let it show on her face, but his sweet consideration and insistence made her disappointed somehow. It had been exciting to do something so spontaneous, to be part of a pair so overwhelmed with desire for each other that nothing in the world mattered as much as touching as soon as possible, as much as possible. The thought of losing that in favour of safety, of always making the most responsible choice at any given moment, made something in her heart sink a little. It was too much like adulthood to be anything but disappointing.

  Daniel had fallen asleep against her, and Suzy settled down and tried to drift off herself. It took a long time.

  Chapter Four

  In the morning, Suzy woke up before Daniel, and found herself nestled snugly with her back against his chest and one of his arms curled around her waist. She’d never been the little spoon before. In fact, she couldn’t actually remember an occasion when she’d been a spoon at all.

  It made her feel uneasy, for reasons she wasn’t sure made sense even to her. But she still felt strongly enough that this wasn’t somewhere she belonged that she extricated herself carefully from her spot in Daniel’s arms, sliding out of the bed without waking him.

  She slipped her clothes back on, except for the ruined stockings, and slipped out of the room in search of a bathroom and a mirror.

  When Suzy had successfully vanquished her bed hair, and gargled mouthwash to escape the dreaded curse of morning breath, she made her way downstairs. There were cartoons playing on the television and two kids seated at the breakfast table.

  ‘Um, hi,’ Suzy said, any chance of a more impressive opening line deserting her entirely. Which was stupid, really, since she saw a variation on this exact scene three or four mornings a week at home with her own kids, depending on the schedule of which nights they were at her place or at Drew’s. Cartoons and orange juice before school was one of the few disaster scenarios which Suzy could honestly claim to be expertly equipped to deal with.

  Or so she’d thought. Of course, that hadn’t factored in that these kids were Daniel’s children, and therefore well behaved and well groomed, unlike her own snarling, filthy monster-children. Also relevant was the fact that she was some weird lady wandering around their house in rumpled clothing and a blouse held together with a safety pin first thing in the morning.

  “Awkward” wasn’t even gonna start covering
this.

  ‘Well, this is awkward!’ the girl – Hannah, Daniel had said her name was Hannah – said brightly, getting up from her seat and collecting another plate off the draining board. ‘Pancakes cure awkwardness, though, and luckily I made enough for everyone. Sit.’

  Suzy liked her immediately. ‘I like you immediately. Pancakes would be delightful.’

  Hannah had the same dark hair and gorgeous skin tone as their father, the same dark-lashed eyes. The puppy-fat plumpness of the old photo Daniel had shown Suzy had started to mature and settle, giving the girl a pretty, pear-shaped figure that complemented her quirky, old-fashioned vibe. She gave Suzy a shy smile and held out a hand for shaking.

  ‘Pleased to meet you.’

  ‘You too,’ Suzy replied, smiling in return, and sat down at the table opposite where Hannah’s brother was still seated. ‘Hi there.’

  ‘Hi,’ Henry said, glancing up at her for the barest instant before returning his attentions to his plate.

  Both the kids wore glasses; Hannah’s were a cute cat-eye style, part of a general retro aesthetic she had going in the way she wore her hair and the clothes she’d chosen, and Henry’s were the basic wire frames of a boy in his young teens who could not care less what his glasses looked like.

  Suzy had planned on complimenting the pancakes no matter what they tasted like, because Hannah had used them as a method of saving them from an extremely dire first meeting and they were therefore the best pancakes to ever exist regardless of culinary quality. But when she actually tasted the first forkful, it was good enough to make her eyebrows shoot up in surprise.

  ‘This is spectacular,’ she told Hannah. ‘Do you have magical powers?’

  ‘Hannah’s an extremely talented cook,’ Daniel said as he came down the stairs, pride obvious in his tone. He collected a plate of his own and joined them at the table. As he passed behind where Suzy sat, he paused and gave her shoulder a tender squeeze. It sent a shiver through her. ‘She’s won her school’s subject prize for having the top mark in Home Economics for the past three years.’

  ‘Holy crap,’ Suzy blurted out, before remembering that it probably wasn’t all that classy to say stuff like “holy crap” to someone else’s teenage kid. ‘I mean, um. Wow. When I did Home Ec, I was politely asked to leave after I destroyed a saucepan while trying to boil water. No joke. I stand in awe of your talent.’

  Hannah giggled shyly, pleased at the praise. ‘It’s not that hard, really. I love doing it.’

  ‘Pfft.’ Henry made a rude noise, stabbing at his syrup-drenched pancake. ‘Like baking is a real subject. It’s stupid.’

  ‘If you keep up that attitude you can take that plate straight over to the trash and make yourself toast instead,’ Daniel warned. Henry glared at him, then at Suzy.

  ‘Your hair is stupid.’

  ‘Henry!’ Hannah and Daniel said in unison. Suzy sighed.

  ‘I have a son and a daughter your age. You’re going to have to try so, so much harder than that to offend me, kiddo.’

  Now Suzy thought about it, she was pretty sure that Lily and Henry would get along – Lily would probably take to him simply because his messy dark hair and glasses made him look vaguely like Harry Potter, but the cranky teen attitude would be an added bonus. They could be co-presidents of the We Hate Suzy club.

  ‘Oh!’ she said to Hannah, as something suddenly made sense. ‘If you’re the baker, you’re probably the one who gave your dad those cufflinks, right? The little fork and spoon? They’re absolutely adorable. I love your sense of style. Your hair is super-cute – how do you even get it like that?’

  ‘Oh thank you!’ Hannah patted the soft curls, giving such a bright, bashful blush that she was practically glowing. ‘I guess I just like experimenting with different ways that people used to do their hair in older eras. It’s fun.’

  ‘Well, you’re awesome at it,’ Suzy told her sincerely. Hannah blushed even harder.

  ‘Time for you two to get going,’ Daniel said, herding the pair towards the front door. ‘Henry, Hannah’s in charge tonight, OK? I have to work late.’

  Henry scowled. ‘She’s always in charge.’

  ‘She’s the one with the first aid certificate and the working-with-children accreditation.’

  ‘I’m not children, though!’ Henry protested, outraged.

  ‘Of course you aren’t,’ Daniel replied blithely. ‘Now scoot.’

  ‘I really like babysitting,’ Hannah explained to Suzy as she followed her brother out onto the path to the sidewalk. ‘I like the challenge of making things run smoothly. Anyway, it was nice to meet you.’

  ‘Nice to meet you too. And you, Henry!’ Suzy called to the departing boy. He ignored her completely.

  ‘That was so sweet of you, to notice that the cufflinks were probably her doing,’ Daniel said as they navigated the rush-hour pedestrian traffic towards the train station. ‘Hannah’s never had … It’s been hard for her, I know. I don’t have any sisters, and my parents died shortly before she was born, and her mother left when she was only just barely old enough to remember her at all. So there’s never been any women in the family for her to be close to, to have … Well. It’s made her very self-sufficient, and I am incredibly proud of her. But it’s nice to see someone notice how thoughtful her gifts are, and that her hair is “super cute”.’

  Suzy laughed and laughed at that. ‘I’m sorry. I’m not laughing at what you said, I promise. It’s just that no two words have ever sounded more awkward coming from anyone. Ever. Daniel, you’re wonderful, but you aren’t someone who can sell the phrase “super cute”.

  ‘And trust me, you wouldn’t be under the misguided impression that I’m good for Hannah if you’d ever seen me with my own kids. Just because your kids are perfect angels – well, one perfect angel and one obnoxious but nevertheless somewhat charming angel – doesn’t mean I’m any good at relating to children.’

  They laughed about it together then, but later, when Suzy was at work and alone with her thoughts, it all just made her feel guilty and sad. What Daniel needed was someone who deserved him, and deserved the responsibility of being in his life and his kids’ lives. Suzy knew how incredibly lucky she was to have such a good friendship with the father of her own children. Drew had carried the weight of parenting through times when she couldn’t possibly have coped on her own. Daniel had no idea how useless she was.

  Drew dropped the kids home in the late afternoon, an hour or so before dinner. Lily retreated off into her bedroom immediately, the sound of her stereo turned up loud leaking out through the walls a few moments later. Steve attached himself to the Xbox in front of the TV, completely immersed in the intricacies of his game.

  ‘Nice to see they missed me,’ Suzy joked dryly, handing Drew a can of soda. ‘Anything happen out of the ordinary?’

  ‘Nah.’ Drew shook his head. ‘Just the usual routine.’

  ‘Mmm,’ Suzy responded, distracted by her thoughts. ‘Are you busy tonight? Feel like hanging around?’

  ‘You know me, I set my own hours. I was gonna meet up with some friends and check out a new DJ, but I can text them no problem.’

  ‘I’m not derailing you on a date night, am I?’

  Drew snorted. ‘Joseph’s not quite the DJ type. Or the texting type, for that matter.’

  That made Suzy smile a little, because neither could she imagine Daniel being either of those “types”. It made her feel oddly content to have something so random and trivial in common with Drew. She liked the notion of their lives running on occasionally parallel tracks, of their lovers sharing similar traits.

  ‘I promise you’re not derailing a date night,’ Drew went on. ‘And can we stop saying “date night” now? It makes me feel like I’m half of a set of old marrieds or something. What’s up?’

  Suzy shook her head, her smile fading. ‘Nothing. Kind of. I’ll tell you all about it later, when the kids are asleep, OK?’

  ‘Ooh, grown-up problems.’ Drew grinned. ‘Su
re, I’ll stick around.’

  His presence at dinner was enough to put Lily in a better mood than usual. She lit up when she talked to him, involved and enthusiastic, almost back to the bubbly little girl she’d been before the Mack truck of puberty had hit her full force with a shipment of hormones.

  Well, a bubbly little girl with a serious Lovecraft obsession, anyway.

  ‘The book is so awesome, Dad, you’d totally love it. Everything is really gnarly and horrible and scary. Like there’s this one story about a man whose friend has been doing all these paintings, and the paintings are of these dog-man creatures that are doing all kinds of violent, creepy stuff in the pictures. The first room of the artist’s house is all old-fashioned scenes, from pilgrim days and of witch hunters, but they’ve all got all these dog-people in them. And then the next room has paintings that are similar to the other ones, but these ones are all in modern settings of people doing regular stuff and then getting interrupted by the horrible dog-people. Or there’s one painting where the dog-people are teaching little babies how to be creepy like them, and that’s when the man who has gone to visit his friend realises that the dog-creatures are people as well, people who’ve gone wrong somehow. And then in the last room there’s a half-finished painting of the biggest, grossest, most frightening dog-person of all. This painting is, like, super-terrifying and the guy is just about ready to run away screaming anyway, but then he notices a little curled-up piece of card pinned to the corner of the painting and he unrolls it and it’s a photo, because the painting is a portrait being copied from a real subject, the dog-people are real. It’s such a scary story, Dad. It’s. So. Cool.’

  Steven told Suzy all about the new game he was playing, the plot of which was incomprehensible to her but which Steve was so earnestly invested in that she couldn’t help but get drawn into his attempts to explain it.