Finding Herself Read online

  ‘Can I come in?’ he asked, breaking the spell.

  If he came in they’d fall into that sex pattern. But then again, she told herself, how do you know if you don’t take the chance? Sophie grabbed his hand and tugged him toward her. ‘Sure, come in.’

  Her ass hit the breakfast bar as he came in fast and fierce for a kiss. His hands gripped her waist, travelled her back, came up to find her hair tamed into braids, so he sucked her tongue roughly – rough enough to send a jittering tingle through her core – and tugged them. Tony deepened the kiss, bullying her mouth with his, and Sophie gleefully surrendered. His cock – hard and long just as she fondly remembered – rode the cleft of her pussy lips. If only they didn’t have so many annoying bits of cloth in the way.

  His hands came up to stroke her breasts and tweak her nipples and she found her breath fleeing her lungs even as heat and moisture pooled readily between her legs.

  God, they were good together – at least this way.

  She pushed the thought away and plunged her fingers into his thick, pale hair. She tugged just a little and Tony grunted, gripping her hips and hoisting her up on the bar so her bottom hit the pale aqua countertop. He stepped in between her legs and worked the buttons of her pretty white blouse.

  ‘I’ve missed you, Soph.’

  She said nothing, just watched his full lips skim across her breasts through her blouse. She hadn’t really missed him per se. When she’d seen him, she’d remembered their chemistry and wanted to re-experience it. If that fit in with the definition if missing then so be it.

  His teeth plucked at her nipples through the bra he’d just exposed by parting her blouse. His hands – tan and rough from working outside as a landscaper – skimmed her skin. Her belly fluttered visibly from his gentle touch. Sophie moaned, hearing herself as if from a distance, but not taking her eyes from his mouth on her. The visual was almost as good as the sensation.

  Tony tugged down a cup of her bra and sucked the rosy tip into his mouth. The heat and moisture of his mouth made her knees feel weak and she was thankful she was sitting. He pulled the other cup down, bit a soft line down the slope of her other breast before capturing that neglected nipple in his mouth. He tugged at her flesh so that the thump and bang of her arousal echoed through her stomach and low into her pelvis. Her pussy was plump and needy – she could feel her own urgency ramping up.

  Sophie grabbed his broad shoulders, kissing him back fiercely. The last two days had been confusing and she’d thought things that made her feel odd and uncomfortable. But at that moment, she felt anything but uncomfortable. Her attraction to Tony was familiar. Their heat – their compatibility – a comfortable thing.

  She kissed him, sucking his tongue the way she would his cock until he made that desperate, gruff sound men made when they were turned on. She yanked at his shirt, moving her hands up under the blue fabric to find the taut, warm expanse of his belly. She curled her fingers to the hair that led from navel to cock. Stroking it suggestively, she let him wonder when she would touch him. How she would touch him.

  He grabbed her ass, hauling her toward him, her velvet pants sliding with a sultry whisper along the countertop. Sophie wrapped her legs around his waist, opening her sex to him even though she still had her pants on. The rough stroke of his erection to her pussy stole her breath.

  ‘I really did intend to take you for that drink,’ he said, finally giving in and unhooking her bra before removing it and tossing it over her shoulder. It hit the floor with barely a sound.

  ‘I really did intend to drink it,’ she said, slipping her fingers beneath the waistband of his jeans, stroking more of that hair. Her fingers slipped back and forth on his skin just above his pubic hair. She could feel the increased heat of him there above his dick.

  ‘Can we move this to the bedroom?’ He didn’t wait for an answer, simply placed a nearly chaste kiss between her breasts. The unexpected chivalry made her blush. Then he hauled her up and she clung to him tight as he walked them to the bed.

  Her bare breasts were smashed to his shirt, and even with that thick cotton barrier between them she could feel the bang of his heart. He dropped to the bed with her straddling him. Before she could think to take control, he moved swiftly, catching her in his momentum. Tony smiled down at her, his fingers smoothing over the skin on her midriff. Shivers sprang up and rushed across her skin.

  ‘Hi, Soph,’ he said.

  ‘Hi.’ She laughed.

  Then no one said anything because he was pulling off her boots, tugging at her pants, and watching her intently. Sophie wrestled with his shirt and managed to get it off so she could touch his warm, smooth skin. Tony flung her leggings across the room and growled when he came across the small black underpants she wore. Silk.

  ‘Panties,’ he breathed. ‘Nice.’

  ‘I hate that word.’ She laughed. ‘Knickers.’

  ‘Whatever. Take them off.’

  She obeyed, feeling yet another slow, warm slide of fluid between her legs. Her hands shook and she kept chewing her bottom lip she was so far gone. She wanted him in her. She wanted him moving. She wanted to come and have someone kissing her and touching her and holding her when it happened.

  Tony broke that thought by kissing her roughly. His hands cradled her head and he rubbed his cock along the split of her nether lips.

  He slid down her body with practiced ease. They knew each other very well; the sex had always been stellar, fun and productive. No one ever left unhappy.

  His fingers slid into her easily, testing and penetrating. He stroked in and out, looking up at her face from between her thighs. His thumb pressed steadily on her thrumming clit. Sophie arched up to get him deeper, her fingers bunching the bedsheets. She struggled for breath as he thrust deeper, hooking his fingers to find the most sensitive places in her. When his mouth replaced his thumb she hummed low in her throat and then laughed at herself.

  ‘I want you good and wet. Really, really wet, Soph. So why don’t you come for me before I fuck you, OK?’

  ‘Yes, yes, fine,’ she said. Her voice was barely a puff of air. Her words sounded so put upon but her tone spoke volumes. Whatever he said. Anything he wanted. She heard him chuckle, the vibration of his amusement rumbling through her pussy lips and into her flexing cunt.

  Her upper thighs were drenched she was so wet, so slick, so …

  He sucked hard on her clitoris and shoved a third finger into her, fucking her with that broad bundle of digits. He lapped at her, his tongue painting thick, wet strokes over her nether lips and clit. He paused for a second, not licking, just sliding his fingers in and out so that she arched up to take him and accommodate his flexing fingers. Then, after a brief respite, Tony set his mouth back to her and flicked his tongue brilliantly and Sophie came, voice bouncing around her small lavender bedroom like a trapped bird.

  Tony kissed her thighs, her belly, her hipbones. ‘Now about that fucking …?’ he said and she spread her legs for him to come between her thighs.

  ‘Yes, please.’ Sophie smoothed her palm down his belly and found him with her hand. She curled her fingers around his erection and stroked him.

  ‘That’s nice.’

  ‘It’s nicer inside,’ she whispered, moving up to kiss his chest, lick one nipple and then the other. ‘All warm and wet and soft.’

  He groaned and rolled his eyes back. ‘You play dirty, Sophie.’

  ‘Dirty is good,’ she said, pushing the head of his cock against her slit. She slid it back and forth in her wetness, teasing her opening with his cockhead. ‘Dirty is so, so good. Wanna see?’

  He grunted once, grabbed a condom from the nightstand and rolled it on. He nipped her collar bone with his nice, white teeth, and slid into her slowly. Stretching her slowly. Filling her up. Sophie gripped him; his hot skin rippled under her fingers as he moved. She kissed him, using her tongue, biting his lip, sucking at his mouth as she moved up to take him deeply.

  ‘Jesus, Soph –’ He shoved his hands
under her ass and tilted her the way he needed her. His hips rocked back and forth and the base of his cock brushed against her clit, giving her stimulation she needed. She came, hooking her ankles behind his back to trap him to her. Her pussy gripped up tight around him as spasm after spasm hit her.

  His breath rushed out as he slowed his pace a little. Just enough to let her recover and keep him from coming. He kissed a trail along her shoulders and she shivered.

  ‘Turn over,’ he growled, when she found her breath.

  Tony pulled free and helped her turn with a big hand under her. He smoothed his hands along her ass, sliding a finger down her crack, touching her back hole briefly so she yelped. ‘Don’t worry.’ He laughed. ‘Just saying hi.’

  He moved up behind her, stroking her lower back seductively. She relaxed into his touch as he continued to touch her. His breath rained down hot and heavy on her back. He was so turned on he was barely talking.

  ‘You still have the finest ass on the planet,’ he told her.

  ‘You’re just saying that.’

  ‘I’m saying it because it’s true.’ Tony bumped himself up against the back of her and stroked his cock along her split.

  Sophie gripped the sheet, anticipating his penetration. It didn’t come. He just kept sliding his skin along hers until she hung her head and growled.

  ‘Tony!’

  ‘Hmmm? Did you want something?’ He chuckled darkly and then, while she was busy being semi-annoyed with him, he plunged deep. His cock bumped her G-spot and he gripped her hips tight and started to move.

  Sophie bent her body, pushed her face to the sheets, and moved back to take him. His thumb played along her asshole and she let it. He smeared some of her moisture around her there and plunged his thumb into her tightest place.

  It added to her pleasure, ramping it up until she was lost to anything but the pulsing heat between her thighs and the body filling hers.

  ‘Come for me one more time, Sophie. I think if that sweet cunt ripples around me I’ll be done for. I’ll come like I haven’t come in ages.’

  Her fingers – trembling but intent – moved over her clit. She stroked with a heavier touch than she normally would. Her body needed the intensity. Her pussy drew up tight, tighter and tighter still until she felt like she might burst apart into a million shards of light. He thrust his thumb deeper and surged into her, brushing her G-spot once more at that perfect moment. She came with a loud cry, burying her face in the sheets, but still her noise burst free.

  ‘Fuck me,’ he grunted and held her steady for one more deep thrust. And then he came, pulling out at the last moment and yanking the condom off the way he always did, to splash his come over her lower back. Tony dragged his cock through the wetness on her skin to paint it along her ass cheeks. Sophie laughed.

  ‘I’d forgotten you liked to do that.’

  ‘It’s quite the visual,’ he said and leant in to kiss the middle of her back. ‘Could I persuade you, Sophie, to let me shower and then I’ll make us a drink.’

  ‘And we could order Chinese,’ she said.

  ‘We could.’

  It was going to be good, she thought, sinking to her belly. A nice evening with a man she shared huge chemistry with and was familiar with. The comfort made it almost easy for her to ignore the fact that now the sex had been had, she knew deep down that this was fun – it was good – but it was not the missing thing in her.

  Chapter Five

  He’d wanted to stay and she’d wanted to accommodate him, but halfway through Chinese and drinks, she’d realised if she let him stay that would be that. Sophie wasn’t ready for that to be that, because as nice as their time together was, as great as the sex had been, it smacked her in the face somewhere around shrimp toast that there was really no point to it.

  And she couldn’t ignore it any more.

  ‘Soph, if you change your mind and want me to come back –’ Tony ran a finger down the logo on her sweatshirt ‘– or if you want me to come over another night, you know where to find me.’

  Sophie smiled and stood on tiptoe to kiss him. ‘I do.’

  ‘You know, as good as you looked in those slick black leggings, you look 50 times sexier in a sweatshirt and yoga pants.’ He gripped her ass and pulled her in for one more kiss.

  ‘Thanks. It’s been …’ She didn’t know what to say. ‘It was super-hot. It was fun,’ she said, finally.

  ‘Ah, “it’s been fun” … the kiss of death.’ He grinned.

  She blushed.

  ‘It’s OK, Sophie. But like I said, if you change your mind, just give me a call.’

  Then he was gone.

  Sophie flopped to the sofa. ‘Are you stupid?’ she asked the ceiling. ‘What is wrong with you? He’s perfect. Good in bed, funny, nice, you like the same things and yet –’

  Simon, thinking she was talking to him, bounded up onto the sofa and licked her face until she damn near fell off the sofa. Her cell rang and she found it on the coffee table in the Chinese food debris.

  ‘Hello?’

  ‘I heard that wild monkey sex, girl,’ Kevin said. ‘I was minding my own business, getting a blowjob in my room when –’

  ‘Kevin!’

  ‘Oh, please, Miss Oh God! Oh God! Oh yes!’

  Sophie covered her face, mortified, even though Kevin couldn’t see her. ‘Sorry,’ she said.

  ‘Don’t be. Any Oh-God-worthy sexual event is worth celebrating. Does this mean you two are back together?’

  ‘No,’ she said. ‘I realised … after, that it was awesome but not what I want.’

  Silence.

  ‘Kev?’

  ‘Sorry. You just shocked me is all. Well, good for you, Miss Sophie. Maybe you need to figure out what it is you really want. Now that the distraction is taken care of.’

  ‘Distraction?’

  ‘Horniness.’

  He laughed once, made a kiss noise, and hung up.

  Sophie regarded Simon and then glanced at the time. ‘I should go to bed,’ she said. ‘But I’m never going to sleep. I just know it.’

  She was wrong. Between the heavy food, the drinks, and the sex, she was out like a light in moments. She had horrible, horrible dreams of her and Tony – married and old. Fighting about Chinese food and the best way to get downtown in heavy traffic. What to watch on late-night TV and bickering over dirty underpants on the floor. All the stuff that had been annoying and monotonous when they were together.

  She got up and dragged herself to a particularly long and boring day at work where she tried to meditate on the energy of the Universe opening her soul to itself. A sort of low level depression settled over her and she dragged her ass home feeling restless and a bit useless. She found herself too tired but wired to sleep and resigned herself to a night of insomnia, counting the ways she was spiritually broken. But it didn’t last long. She fell asleep wondering if her third eye could weep with the other two.

  Sophie slept like the dead from midnight until four in the morning. Then her eyes popped open and her mind went on red alert, the thoughts turning and turning until she felt dizzy with them.

  Great fears that this was all there was. There was just her job, her apartment, and her dog. Nothing more for her. Thoughts that all she’d put out in the Universe was a home, an occupation, and a furry companion. She’d never really considered love, partnership, marriage, or family. Often she’d thought she didn’t want it and now she was wondering if she was right.

  She sat straight up, her heart speeding with the anxious thoughts.

  ‘What if there really is no more of me to find?’ she growled.

  Her feet hit the floor, the wood planks cold; the temperature must have dropped. ‘Simon come,’ she said, her voice a bit harsh in the early morning silence.

  He rose from his bed, ever ready to greet her. She pulled on thick socks and her slouchy boots, leaving her pyjama pants in place. Simon padded out with her as she found her scarf and coat and key. She clipped him to his leash and ou
t the door they went.

  The morning could hardly be called that. It was pitch black out and freezing. Her breath left her body in ghostly clouds of white mist. Simon did his business and then eagerly inspected an abandoned coffee cup; he licked it once and turned to look at her.

  ‘Don’t look at me. I didn’t do it.’ She stared up at the few stars she could see and let the cold invade her bones. It hurt, sort of, but it felt good too. It was the first time she’d felt truly awake in a long time.

  ‘I think I need a shower,’ she said to the dog, but her head was still tipped back to the sky. ‘And then …’

  He stared at her, thumped his tail on the cracked pavement.

  ‘Then I guess I need to think, handsome. At least there’s one man in my life who’ll always love me.’

  Simon thumped his tail again and chuffed. She swore sometimes he spoke English. If only he were human.

  The shower was hot but failed to unwind her the way it normally would. Hours still before work. If she wanted to go, that was. The idea of crawling back into bed and hiding from this whole assignment and the tornado of thoughts it had stirred up was tempting.

  Coffee and the early morning news didn’t work.

  ‘Come on, Simon. We’re going to the trail. I’m crazy to even think about it since it’s – what? Four degrees outside? But you’re a Husky, right? You don’t care.’

  Big, blue eyes regarded her and as usual he looked like he was smiling.

  ‘I’ll take that as consent.’

  She dressed in layers and even remembered to put the thermal headband around her neck. She didn’t need it to protect her ears, her hat did that, but sometimes if she got it in her mind to run during the cold weather she pulled it over her mouth and chin to keep the cold out.

  ‘I look like a burglar, right?’ She snorted, clipped him to his lead, and grabbed her key. It was barely five a.m. Still black as night out there.

  Hawley Trail ran through a large amount of woods and she would rarely get it in her mind to hike it. Never in below freezing weather. Never in the dark. And yet the fear that had boiled up in her when she awoke felt almost suffocating. She needed to get out. To move. And Simon, though sweet and gorgeous and friendly, was still a big dog. No one would mess with her when he was around.